"The I-Statement"

I will never forget the first time I learned about the I statement. It was in third grade and during an assembly. It was one of those assemblies about bullies and how to express your feelings in a non-threatening way. Our book describes the I statement as the ability of it that personalizes the conflict by owning up to our feelings rather than to make them the responsibility of the other person. When we use the I Statement, it relieves the conflict of tension and replaces it with ownership. One problem I see with the I-statement is when little kids use it. I remember in elementary school how bullies turned the I statement into another way of torture. Explaining your feelings in such a way makes a bully not care about what you have to say. 'I feel like you are mean,' isn’t going to stop the bully. When we are young, we have to figure out a way that is going to affect the bully in a way of change. I believe it starts with the I statement, but I don’t believe it will essentially solve the problem. On a side note, as we grow older and can grasp an understanding of what conflict is, we can solve it effectively. The book shows many example of the difference between taking and not taking responsibility. Some examples are as followed:

Non responsibility:
He made me do it
That was a great movie

Responsibility:
I did it
I liked the movie a lot

"Listening"

I love to talk. One of my first jobs was bagging at a grocery store and I loved it. Not that I was overjoyed to bag groceries, but the fact that half my job was to please the customers. I got to talk and be myself at all times. One of the best skills I learned from this was how to listen. Believe it or not, there are skills to listening. I caught on to key points of what to remember and what wasn’t so important to keep the conversation going. Although I loved talking and meeting new people, I had some difficulties as well. I cant hear out of my left ear as well, so listening has always been hard simply due to the fact that I don’t know what is being said. When others talk I listen and read lips to everything they are saying. I usually don’t wander off and think about my own thoughts, unless the conversation has allowed me to do so in a way to keep the conversation going. Now, if the speaker is BORING, that’s a whole other story. I cant stay focused on a conversation if I am about to fall asleep. If this begins to happen, then of course I think about my own ideas just to keep my eyes open. In this case, if I were to listen to a person who has no communication skills, then no, I cannot write down what they have said because I was not paying attention.

"Stopping Conflict"

As we know by now, conflict and argumentation is a natural and healthy attribute to any relationship. Whether you agree upon it or not, it can shape our relationships in a positive way and helps us grow not only as a couple but as an individual as well. Knowing how to stop conflict that you see in another relationship is a lot easier than stopping conflict within yourself. When I teach tap dance at work, I see conflict within my students from time to time; more so with the little ones. When two girls are fighting over who gets to be first in line, it is easier to stop the conflict because I can remove the two from the situation and replace someone else. But if I were to put myself in that same scenario, it is harder to stop the argument because I am arguing over something I want. I may believe at that time that I am right in the conflict and the other person is wrong. Although that situation is very broad, I find that it depends on what conflict I am in. If I see an argument coming with my significant other, I would do anything to avoid fighting because I can’t stand it when I can’t talk or hang out with the one I love. But I find that when I fight with one of my brothers, it quickly changes. I feel like I have to 'prove' something because I am the youngest. Yes, I know that is so lame, but that is EXACTLY why I take a course like this :) When it comes to taking a 'timeout' I always try really hard to not fight with my mom as well. I become so flustered at times because my mom is sick and has short-term memory loss. I feel guilty when I yell or get upset, so taking a timeout really helps the relationship between my mom and me

"Rules"

Growing up, there were always sets of instructions we had to abide by whether we wanted to or not. In other words, we had to follow many rules depending on where you were located. The thing about rules is that once you figured out at a young age what 'rules' were, you realize that they NEVER go away. Rules are obligations and prohibitions. They can tell us what we must say and/or should say, and they can tell us what we had better not say in certain situations. Many rules we abide by are learned from family functions, school activities and after-school functions. Rules don't only apply to communications studies, but they apply to everything we do in life. We are not supposed to J-Walk, we are not supposed to litter, we are supposed to drive with caution, and we are supposed to do our job efficiently. It is up to us to actually FOLLOW them. Rules exist so conflict doesn’t. Think about it for a second. If you don’t follow the rules life provides for you, conflict occurs; for the most part anyways. Following rules in school, at work, in relationships, and for you will help create a successful life with little complications

"Fractionation, Framing, Reframing"

When it comes to conflicts in relationships in general, there are many different tactics to solving them. As the book describes, mediation a way of solving those conflicts. A mediator is defined as a neutral third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediation. If the mediator is successful, one strategy is known as fractionation. It is defined as breaking down complex issues into smaller, more manageable ones. An example of using fractionation usefully in a relationship that is not interpersonal would be a problem within thyself. My brother is not very responsible when it comes to money. It became a serious problem last year when bills were not being paid. He was too embarrassed to talk about it. So he took the conflict as a whole and broke it down into the little conflicts that drove hi, to this issue in the first place. From there he was able to figure it out himself and begin his journey to success. Another technique is known as framing. This is where mediators ask neutral or friendly questions that avoid blame or passing judgment and summarize issues. A classic example of this would be a conversation with a police officer once you have been pulled over. He/She asks questions to and figure out the conflict before suspicion and bias come into play. One last technique is reframing where mediators restate negatively loaded, biased statements. An example of this would be in the courtroom when a lawyer is asking the other people on trial questions.

Mediators"

Communication is a tough subject to wrap your head around. As a communications major myself, I find it extremely hard to pinpoint a place to begin the search for what it is. There are so many aspects to the whole idea of communication. When it comes to a small bracket in Comm, the role of a mediator should be a good role for a Comm major. The mediator is defined as a neutral third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediations. Communications majors should be good mediators because we fiercefully study the main functions and skills a mediator should have. For example, as a mediator, we can accommodate both parties efficiently because we are viewing their communication from the outside in. We study interpersonal relationships thoroughly and have a different perspective than non-communications major. Being a mediator, you are to create a safe and constructive environment to encourage the disputants to communicate, cooperate, and work out their own mutually satisfying solution. Saying that all Comm majors should be good mediators is not efficient. A lot of it depends on personality, but quite honestly, if you have not taken a course such as this one that deals with conflict, I think you miss out on a lot of what a mediator is. An example would be a lawyer. When working with a client and you have to take their case, you have to be bias with the situation and fight for them, and not necessarily what is right for justice. When you are a mediator, justice is the main factor.

"Gunny-sacking"

The element I chose to discuss from chapter three is a verb I believe we all take part in. Gunny-sacking is when we store all of our anger inside and then explode one day because our body can’t handle it. This happens in almost all relationships we have in life. The problem with gunny-sacking is that it can lead to aggressive communication and possibly violent behavior. A lot of times this refers to abusive behaviors in relationships. We shouldn't wait until the last possible second to hold everything in and explode because it is not fair to you and especially not fair to the other person(s) in the current relationship.  My boyfriend and I use to have this problem frequently. He would never tell me that he didn’t like something I was doing until the last possible second and freak out like the world just ended over NOTHING. Because I take a relationship-centered orientation, I am at ease when this  USE to happen. I have gotten him to tell me right away to prevent future feuds. The book uses the example when the other person who is being exploded on says, "If only he/she had something to say. I never knew there was a problem." More often than not, this kind of situation usually ends in a huge feud and or relationships end for friendship and romance. All we have to do is communicate with others to avoid situations like this. By getting troubles off our chest, we can monitor one another, adapt as needed, and avoid little problems turning into bigger ones. When we are assertive with one another we have the most opportunity for significant growth and mutual feelings toward satisfaction.